1
00:00:19,245 --> 00:00:20,677
I suppose you're wondering

2
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:25,098
why I asked you
back down here today, Mr. Mac.

3
00:00:25,175 --> 00:00:27,550
Yeah, I am kind of wondering,

4
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,936
because the boy been in
trouble for every doggone
thing. I'm trying to
figure out what's next.

5
00:00:30,013 --> 00:00:31,188
Take a look
at these.

6
00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:33,115
That'll tell you
the whole story.

7
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,277
Wow.

8
00:00:37,354 --> 00:00:38,912
Father, they look
like spelling tests to me.

9
00:00:38,989 --> 00:00:41,907
You'll notice that
each is marked with "100."

10
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,459
Perfect score.

11
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:49,498
That little damn cheat.

12
00:00:49,574 --> 00:00:52,760
We felt the same at first,
Mr. Mac,

13
00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:58,057
so I put three proctors on him,
and we watched...

14
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:02,636
and we waited.

15
00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:09,309
In addition to having
a mild case of kleptomania

16
00:01:09,386 --> 00:01:16,066
we discovered the boy can spell
with the fury of Saint Michael.

17
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:18,485
You kidding.

18
00:01:18,496 --> 00:01:20,862
That seem like a good thing,
though, Father.

19
00:01:20,939 --> 00:01:22,455
So, what seem to be
the problem?

20
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:24,374
The problem is
the boy will only
spell for grades,

21
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:26,535
not for the glory
of Damien Elementary.

22
00:01:26,611 --> 00:01:27,586
I'm afraid, Father,

23
00:01:27,663 --> 00:01:29,454
I'm following you
even less than usual.

24
00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:31,581
The citywide spelling
bee, Mr. Mac.

25
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:32,800
For five years running

26
00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:35,377
we've got our butts
kicked by Saint Angelo's.

27
00:01:35,453 --> 00:01:37,262
The boy's our only chance.

28
00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:40,257
That's where you come in.

29
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,343
Damn right
that's where I come in, America.

30
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:47,606
Look at these--
100, 100, another 100.

31
00:01:47,683 --> 00:01:50,684
Doggone it,
this boy batting 1,000.

32
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,060
Shoot.

33
00:01:52,137 --> 00:01:56,982
Back in the day,
I used to hate spelling.

34
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,275
Back in the day.

35
00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:02,946
Bernard, the word is "rhythm."

36
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,239
Rhythm?

37
00:02:04,316 --> 00:02:08,785
R-I-T-H-U-M. Rhythm.

38
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,787
(buzzer)

39
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,706
(children laughing)

40
00:02:12,782 --> 00:02:14,833
I was eight, America.

41
00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:16,585
But I got better.

42
00:02:16,661 --> 00:02:18,753
But Jordan,
he don't have to work at it.

43
00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,672
He's a natural-born speller.

44
00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:22,215
He got a mind like a tack.

45
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,259
He uses it for evil sometime,

46
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,970
but we finally found something
he could put his mind

47
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,139
that won't require punishment:
academics.

48
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,141
Hell, yes, America.

49
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,935
This is exactly where I come in.

50
00:02:34,012 --> 00:02:35,520
I got better, too.

51
00:02:35,597 --> 00:02:36,980
Uh, "campus."

52
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,908
Q-U... Q...

53
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,360
Campus,
camp, camp, camp, camp...

54
00:02:42,437 --> 00:02:44,654
There's a vowel in there.

55
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,291
But spelling bees
are for geeks and losers.

56
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,950
Well, what type of tie
you want to wear,

57
00:02:49,027 --> 00:02:50,160
a bow tie for
the competition?

58
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,386
Let me help you, baby.

59
00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:52,996
Jordan, sweetie,
there is nothing geeky

60
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,147
about using your mind.

61
00:02:54,224 --> 00:02:55,749
See? See... Hold
this, baby, hold it.

62
00:02:55,825 --> 00:02:58,668
Son, listen to what
your aunt talking about.

63
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:02,547
Ain't nothing geeky about going
to a college of your own choice.

64
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,674
Or you can become
a multi-millionaire.

65
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,260
Or having your own
spelling bee TV show.

66
00:03:07,337 --> 00:03:08,920
Listen up, boy.

67
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:11,514
I'm going to tell you something
I never even told your aunt.

68
00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,066
I was in a spelling bee once.

69
00:03:13,143 --> 00:03:14,193
JORDAN:
You were?!

70
00:03:14,269 --> 00:03:15,560
You're doggone right,

71
00:03:15,637 --> 00:03:17,321
and I lost
in the first doggone round.

72
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,272
I couldn't spell
the word "rhythm."

73
00:03:19,349 --> 00:03:20,523
Well, rhythm's easy.

74
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,234
Yeah, but there's a trick to it.

75
00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:23,443
You wouldn't think...

76
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,571
R-H-Y-T-H-M.
...vowel to it.

77
00:03:26,648 --> 00:03:28,990
So, you mean I could do
something better than you?

78
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:30,334
Unfortunately.

79
00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:31,993
Okay, I'll enter.

80
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:33,536
That's what I'm
talking about.

81
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,006
Hey, Jordan,
what you doing?

82
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,374
Watching TV.

83
00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:38,433
How many times
I tell you

84
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:39,768
television
numb your brain?

85
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,920
Come on, we got a spelling bee
to study for. Come on.

86
00:03:41,997 --> 00:03:45,215
Okay, I'm going to start you off
with a real hard one.

87
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:46,549
Here go one--
"pneumonia."

88
00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:50,053
Pneumonia: P-N-E-U-M-O-N-I-A.
Pneumonia.

89
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,304
Ding!

90
00:03:51,381 --> 00:03:54,224
Project, Uncle Bernie, project.

91
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,059
Nessa, how many times
I'm gon' have to tell you

92
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,811
I'm not going to act
in your little film?

93
00:03:57,887 --> 00:03:59,245
But it's for school.

94
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:02,190
I need to capture
a day in the life of our family.

95
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:03,525
It's gonna be the last day
of your life

96
00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:05,068
if you keep giving me direction.

97
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:06,536
Now, get.
Perfect.

98
00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:10,115
Hey, honey, where's Jordan?

99
00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,700
Oh, I got him
in the room.

100
00:04:11,776 --> 00:04:13,743
I gave him another
list of words for
the spelling bee.

101
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,128
Don't you think you need
to call him for dinner?

102
00:04:15,205 --> 00:04:16,546
I'll bring him a plate.
He be all right.

103
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:18,382
Honey...
He's in training.

104
00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:20,008
But he's not a boxer.

105
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,960
You don't know
nothing about this.

106
00:04:22,037 --> 00:04:23,420
But he's
been eating junk.

107
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:24,888
He needs...
Don't worry...

108
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,423
Ooh, this is good.

109
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,433
What are you
talking about?

110
00:04:30,211 --> 00:04:32,178
BERNIE:
Oh.

111
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:33,388
Is that thing on?

112
00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:34,731
It's always on.

113
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:39,278
Oops.
I dropped my fork.

114
00:04:41,556 --> 00:04:43,148
Oh, Wanda, come on, now.

115
00:04:43,224 --> 00:04:44,992
It's for a bunch
of 15-year-old.

116
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:46,776
Quit being so
doggone vain.

117
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:49,413
I am<i> not</i> being vain.

118
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:54,968
Baby, I ain't never seen

119
00:04:55,044 --> 00:04:56,911
a bunch of geeks and losers
like that before in my life.

120
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,204
Honey...

121
00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:01,124
SANJAY:
Onomatopoeia:
O-N-O-M-A...

122
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:05,128
It's going to be
between Jordan and
that Indian boy,

123
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,421
watch and see.

124
00:05:06,498 --> 00:05:08,307
Jordan will have
to gut him like a fish.

125
00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:09,466
Sanjay's his friend.

126
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,092
Ain't no friends
in spelling, baby.

127
00:05:11,169 --> 00:05:12,302
(chuckling)

128
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,854
Quiet down.

129
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,770
As most of you know,
this is an exhibition bee.

130
00:05:21,846 --> 00:05:24,448
Tomorrow, we spell
against another school,

131
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,733
and God willing,
we'll smite our foes

132
00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:29,819
with the righteous anger
of avenging angels.

133
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,664
So, look out,
Little Sisters of the Poor.

134
00:05:34,442 --> 00:05:37,202
Now, let's have fun.

135
00:05:37,278 --> 00:05:39,746
This is it, America:
the moment of truth.

136
00:05:39,823 --> 00:05:42,415
That boy's
about to take center stage

137
00:05:42,492 --> 00:05:44,092
and become a spelling legend.

138
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:47,754
Almost makes up for that
rhythm incident, doesn't it?

139
00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:49,255
(buzzer)

140
00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:51,216
Will the next contestant
please step

141
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:53,676
to the microphone?

142
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:57,514
Your word, young Jordan,
is "nickel."

143
00:05:57,590 --> 00:06:01,017
As in "I wouldn't
give a nickel

144
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,895
for Saint Angelo's chances
of winning this year."

145
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:07,357
Nickel? Why he give him
a five-cent word like that

146
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,034
with that boy's talent?

147
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:14,831
Jordan?

148
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:22,631
Nickel: N-I-C-K...

149
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:24,966
What's wrong with him?

150
00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:29,805
Don't forsake us now, son.

151
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:38,388
Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

152
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,390
Jordan. Come here.

153
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:41,724
Jordan?

154
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,226
Hey, not so hard.
Oh, I'm sorry.

155
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,019
You all right, boy?

156
00:06:45,096 --> 00:06:46,279
Did I win?

157
00:06:46,356 --> 00:06:47,772
No, you punked out.
What happened?

158
00:06:47,849 --> 00:06:48,831
I don't know.

159
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:49,908
Right when I
saw the audience,

160
00:06:49,985 --> 00:06:52,610
everything got blurry,
my mouth got dry,

161
00:06:52,687 --> 00:06:54,704
and I could feel
my heart in my head.

162
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:56,790
I think I had a heart attack.

163
00:06:56,867 --> 00:06:57,749
You...

164
00:06:59,944 --> 00:07:02,537
That was no heart attack,
America, oh, no.

165
00:07:02,614 --> 00:07:04,664
That was classic stage fright.

166
00:07:04,741 --> 00:07:07,250
Okay, I might not have been
much of a speller,

167
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,052
but getting in front
of a audience--

168
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,753
that's my specialty.

169
00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:13,047
Not only will I see that boy
through the stage fright,

170
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,424
I'll have him spelling the pants

171
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,218
off those poor little sisters
in no time.

172
00:07:17,295 --> 00:07:18,845
Well, you know what I mean.

173
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:20,930
'Cause, uh,
Sister Mary Elizabeth,

174
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:24,776
she real nice, and Sister
Mary Catherine, she, she's...

175
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,865
Nice.

176
00:07:34,395 --> 00:07:36,112
You okay?

177
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,331
I guess.

178
00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:40,408
Look here, son.

179
00:07:40,485 --> 00:07:43,828
I know you was scared up there.

180
00:07:43,905 --> 00:07:45,330
Shoot, when I
was your age,

181
00:07:45,406 --> 00:07:46,956
I had it worse than you.

182
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,959
Whenever I had to go speak
in front of the whole class,

183
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,795
boy, the fear had me so bad
I would just throw up.

184
00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:55,932
I didn't throw up...
until after.

185
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,425
I know.

186
00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:58,801
All in my truck.

187
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:00,604
Well, anyway, I
remember one time

188
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,273
I had to speak in front
of the whole class, Jordan.

189
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,724
I was so scared, man.

190
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:07,602
I had to do a thing
on Booker T. Washington.

191
00:08:07,679 --> 00:08:08,920
The fear had me so bad,

192
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:11,898
I accidentally said
"Booger" T. Washington.

193
00:08:11,975 --> 00:08:13,015
(laughing)

194
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,484
Yeah. That's what the
whole class did.

195
00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:15,951
They laughed, too.

196
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,321
That's what got me
through the fear: the laugh.

197
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,281
Next thing you know,
it was all gone.

198
00:08:20,358 --> 00:08:22,659
All because
you said "booger"?

199
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:24,827
No. Because
of the laugh.

200
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,996
The laugh got me
through the fear.

201
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:29,541
Now, see, that's what
you got to do, son.

202
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,793
You got to find out
what works for you,

203
00:08:31,869 --> 00:08:33,878
because Jordan,
you got a gift,

204
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:35,889
and you can't let
it go to waste.

205
00:08:37,542 --> 00:08:39,175
Okay, I'll try.

206
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:41,520
That's my man.

207
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:47,776
Aunt Wanda,
have you seen my...?

208
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:50,186
What are you doing?

209
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,646
Just cooking dinner.

210
00:08:51,723 --> 00:08:53,273
Oh, that's right.

211
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:56,651
You're filming a day in the life
for your school, aren't you?

212
00:08:56,728 --> 00:08:59,153
Well, don't mind me.

213
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:00,405
I can't use this.

214
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:01,581
What do you mean

215
00:09:01,658 --> 00:09:04,042
you can't use this? But...

216
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:10,540
Sanjay, the word is "milieu."

217
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:16,170
Milieu: M-I-L-I-E-U.

218
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:18,047
Milieu.

219
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,716
(bell dings)

220
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,259
(applause)
Thank you.

221
00:09:21,336 --> 00:09:24,679
I enjoyed spelling "milieu"
for you very much.

222
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,014
Ain't nobody ask you that.

223
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,056
Sit your ass down.

224
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,984
(applause)

225
00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:40,945
Come on, now, boy.
Keep it together.

226
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:42,080
Be the word.

227
00:09:52,241 --> 00:09:54,792
Jordan, the word is...

228
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:55,918
Booger!

229
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,379
(muffled gasps)

230
00:09:58,456 --> 00:10:01,257
Uh, I'm sorry, son, I almost
thought you said the word...

231
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,092
Booger!

232
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,227
(laughter)

233
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,387
B-O-O-G-

234
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,474
E-R. Booger.

235
00:10:09,550 --> 00:10:12,027
(bell dings)

236
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:18,191
The word is "cataclysmic."

237
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:22,195
As in "If you make a mockery

238
00:10:22,271 --> 00:10:23,988
of these proceedings
again,

239
00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:27,033
the pain you suffer
will be cataclysmic."

240
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:32,297
Cataclysmic: C-A-T-A-C-L-Y-
S-M-I-C.

241
00:10:36,494 --> 00:10:38,211
Cataclysmic.

242
00:10:38,287 --> 00:10:40,347
(bell dings)

243
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,349
Hey.

244
00:10:51,426 --> 00:10:52,942
Feel good to win, doesn't it?

245
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:53,810
Feels great.

246
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:54,903
At first I thought

247
00:10:54,979 --> 00:10:56,646
I was having
another heart attack,

248
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:57,897
but then when
everybody laughed,

249
00:10:57,974 --> 00:10:59,649
suddenly I wasn't
scared anymore.

250
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,692
I just felt
like spelling.

251
00:11:00,768 --> 00:11:02,276
Imagine that.

252
00:11:02,353 --> 00:11:04,612
The same thing that got you
over your stage fright

253
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:06,406
the same thing
that got me over mine.

254
00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:07,657
Guess what?

255
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:09,000
We are just alike.

256
00:11:10,995 --> 00:11:12,995
Yeah, I really liked it
when they laughed.

257
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:15,790
Now I know why
you do what you do.

258
00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:17,299
Oh, it's a good feeling.

259
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,011
Now, get you some rest,
'cause you got Saint Angelo

260
00:11:20,088 --> 00:11:23,381
coming up,
champ.

261
00:11:23,458 --> 00:11:25,466
Jordan got confidence, America.

262
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,686
See, laughter
is the best medicine,

263
00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:29,637
and with that confidence,

264
00:11:29,714 --> 00:11:32,557
he's going to spell defeat
for Saint Angelo.

265
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,808
I can't wait.

266
00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:35,309
(car horn honking)

267
00:11:35,386 --> 00:11:37,478
Jordan, shake a leg!

268
00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:38,563
Your ride's here!

269
00:11:38,639 --> 00:11:40,189
Okay, see you later,
Uncle Bernie.

270
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,524
You sure will, at 4:00.

271
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,401
I'll be there front and center.

272
00:11:43,478 --> 00:11:44,527
Be where?

273
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:45,745
At the spelling bee.

274
00:11:45,822 --> 00:11:47,447
I'm going to watch you
beat Saint Angelo.

275
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,698
Watch you spell words so hard,

276
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:50,158
judges won't even know
if you're right.

277
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:51,701
I'm not doing
any more spelling bees.

278
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:52,711
Hey, hey, h-hold on.

279
00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:54,829
What you
talking about?

280
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,664
If you won tonight,
you'd be in the regionals.

281
00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:57,832
Spelling's too boring.

282
00:11:57,909 --> 00:11:59,459
Besides, I won't have time.

283
00:11:59,535 --> 00:12:03,087
I have to put all my energy
into my true gift: comedy.

284
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,723
I'm gonna be
an entertainer

285
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:06,382
just like you.
Jordan...

286
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,101
Jordan!

287
00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:14,849
What am I supposed to do,
America?

288
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:18,311
Now, the boy thinks he's funny,
and you know he's not,

289
00:12:18,387 --> 00:12:20,521
but how do you tell a kid
he ain't funny

290
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,365
without shattering
his confidence, huh?

291
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,358
You tell me, America.

292
00:12:24,435 --> 00:12:27,829
(chuckling)

293
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,199
I got a hand
like a foot.

294
00:12:31,275 --> 00:12:32,191
Now, that's funny!

295
00:12:32,269 --> 00:12:34,744
Tough table, man,
tough table.

296
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,504
Hey, everybody,
check this out.

297
00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,080
I've been working
on my act.

298
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:40,208
No, Jordan, not now,
not now, no.

299
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:42,886
Come on, Uncle Bernie,
let me liven up the room.

300
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:44,337
Listen to that fool, America.

301
00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:45,755
I'm trying to save him.

302
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,548
My boys are a rough crowd,
I'm telling you,

303
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,383
and he starts telling jokes!

304
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:50,718
JORDAN:
Know what I don't get?

305
00:12:50,795 --> 00:12:52,428
Why do you call it
a glove compartment?

306
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:53,554
Oh, Lord, he's started.

307
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:55,723
Excuse me, America. Excuse me.

308
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,558
I mean, did anybody
ever see gloves

309
00:12:57,569 --> 00:12:58,726
in the glove compartment?

310
00:12:58,803 --> 00:13:00,269
I don't get it.

311
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,396
Oh, come on, Big Man,
you know what I'm talking about.

312
00:13:02,473 --> 00:13:03,523
Oh!

313
00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:04,982
Big Man...
Jordan, Jordan,

314
00:13:05,059 --> 00:13:07,276
I'm not going to tell you again:
go hit the sheets, man.

315
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,037
Uh, everybody,
I got a quick question.

316
00:13:09,113 --> 00:13:10,404
Why does Donald Duck
wear a jacket?

317
00:13:10,481 --> 00:13:12,999
Duck feathers keep me warm.
I don't get it.

318
00:13:14,819 --> 00:13:17,245
Jordan, I'm not going
to tell you again!

319
00:13:17,321 --> 00:13:19,121
Okay, but my sister's room
is so messy,

320
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:21,374
when she cleaned it,
she found Jimmy Hoffa!

321
00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:22,917
What you know

322
00:13:22,994 --> 00:13:24,427
about Jimmy Hoffa,
little man?

323
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,671
Nothing, it just says on the
card it's supposed to be funny.

324
00:13:26,747 --> 00:13:28,756
You've been a great audience.
Good night!

325
00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:30,967
(chuckling)

326
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:32,844
I thought he was
kind of funny, man.

327
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,263
BERNIE:
Yeah, you would.

328
00:13:35,339 --> 00:13:37,723
<i>I'll give you something</i>
<i>to cry about!</i>

329
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,101
(tape rewinding)

330
00:13:40,177 --> 00:13:42,070
<i>I'll give you something</i>
<i>to cry about.</i>

331
00:13:42,146 --> 00:13:45,481
<i>I'm telling you, they won't</i>
<i>be able to find your head.</i>

332
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,693
<i>I'm telling you, they won't be</i>
<i>able to find your head.</i>

333
00:13:48,769 --> 00:13:51,320
I thought I heard
my voice in here.

334
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,656
There's nothing here.
I'm going to get an F.

335
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,116
(<i> chuckles</i> ):
I don't see how.

336
00:13:55,192 --> 00:13:57,585
You got that doggone camera on
all day and night.

337
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,045
But I can't use any of it.

338
00:13:59,122 --> 00:14:01,581
You're always screaming at me
to turn the camera off,

339
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:04,458
Aunt Wanda will only
let me shoot her
from the left side,

340
00:14:04,535 --> 00:14:07,378
and Jordan's either passed out
or telling stupid jokes.

341
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,297
It's like a horror movie.

342
00:14:09,373 --> 00:14:12,341
Yeah, well, we're
the only family you've got.

343
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,801
Love it or leave it.

344
00:14:13,878 --> 00:14:16,312
Dealer's choice.
(chuckles)

345
00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:19,265
Bigfoot.

346
00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:21,642
<i>I'll give you something</i>
<i>to cry about!</i>

347
00:14:21,719 --> 00:14:25,530
<i>I'm telling you, they won't</i>
<i>be able to find your head.</i>

348
00:14:29,644 --> 00:14:32,862
Jordan, you just can't jump
from one thing to the next.

349
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:34,822
Now, you're a
pretty good speller.

350
00:14:34,899 --> 00:14:36,365
Plus, I don't know
about this comedy thing.

351
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,742
I don't know
if it's good for you, man.

352
00:14:37,818 --> 00:14:39,502
Because of your friends?

353
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,871
Honestly, Uncle Bernie,
they're a dead audience.

354
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,247
But check this out.

355
00:14:43,324 --> 00:14:44,457
Check this out.

356
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:45,466
This boy here is something.

357
00:14:47,912 --> 00:14:49,170
Now, what is this?

358
00:14:49,246 --> 00:14:51,172
It's a flyer for the school
talent show I entered.

359
00:14:51,248 --> 00:14:53,507
You getting ready to
do your whole act?

360
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:54,508
Yeah.

361
00:14:54,585 --> 00:14:55,643
In front of the
whole school?

362
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,345
Yeah!

363
00:14:57,421 --> 00:14:59,180
No, no, no, no,
you can't do that.

364
00:14:59,256 --> 00:15:00,348
Here, no.

365
00:15:00,424 --> 00:15:01,149
How come?

366
00:15:01,225 --> 00:15:02,800
Because I said
so, Jordan.

367
00:15:02,877 --> 00:15:04,652
Now, I want you to
go to your room, and
I want you to study

368
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:08,356
your spelling words
for the spelling bee
competition. Now, get!

369
00:15:08,432 --> 00:15:10,900
Go on.

370
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:11,901
I'm trying
to spare the boy.

371
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,527
You know how cruel
kids can be.

372
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,280
His friends are ten.

373
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:18,032
They might think
he's funny...

374
00:15:18,109 --> 00:15:20,785
and I think you're the
one that's being cruel.

375
00:15:20,861 --> 00:15:22,536
Cruel to be kind, baby,

376
00:15:22,613 --> 00:15:23,829
cruel to be kind.

377
00:15:23,906 --> 00:15:25,665
When he finds out
how not funny he is,

378
00:15:25,741 --> 00:15:27,083
he won't be able
to spell anymore.

379
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,668
He already
quit the team.

380
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,836
I got him to un-quit.

381
00:15:30,913 --> 00:15:35,341
So... you made him do
what he doesn't want,

382
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:37,843
but you won't let him do
what he wants?

383
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,055
Cruel to be kind, baby,
cruel to be kind.

384
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,975
Well, this isn't exactly

385
00:15:44,051 --> 00:15:45,351
the movie I set out
to make,

386
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:48,729
but like my teacher says,
the camera never lies.

387
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,398
Okay.

388
00:15:50,474 --> 00:15:53,025
So, this film is dedicated
to you, Uncle Bernie.

389
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:56,070
Aw.
Aw... so nice...

390
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,571
I told you
she'd change,

391
00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,374
get her away
from the projects...

392
00:16:01,902 --> 00:16:03,411
(stomp)
Damn, who
feet is that?

393
00:16:03,487 --> 00:16:06,714
(stomp)
(suspenseful music playing)

394
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,425
Me?

395
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,636
<i>Nessa, get that camera</i>
<i>out of my face.</i>

396
00:16:14,415 --> 00:16:18,017
<i>(chuckling)</i>
<i>Boy, I'm hungry.</i>

397
00:16:19,795 --> 00:16:21,470
(suspenseful music playing)

398
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,356
(stomping)

399
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,976
(<i> screaming)</i>

400
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:29,061
Oh, now, that's good.

401
00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:30,571
I'm scaring
white people.

402
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,607
(screams)

403
00:16:33,684 --> 00:16:34,859
(stomping)

404
00:16:34,935 --> 00:16:36,953
(screaming)

405
00:16:41,859 --> 00:16:44,127
They're getting
ready to kill me.

406
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:48,205
(screams)

407
00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:50,299
That's Loretta Young.

408
00:16:53,537 --> 00:16:56,005
There's nothing in here!

409
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,007
(foreboding music plays)

410
00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,642
Who am I going to eat?!

411
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,763
(Vanessa's voice):
Mmm, this one looks tasty.

412
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:06,891
(Vanessa's voice):
No, no, please,
don't eat me.

413
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:09,402
(burping)

414
00:17:11,013 --> 00:17:13,564
(snorting)

415
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:16,409
(screaming)

416
00:17:18,488 --> 00:17:20,455
(all laughing)

417
00:17:20,531 --> 00:17:23,741
That girl made a monster movie
out of me, America.

418
00:17:23,818 --> 00:17:25,293
I'm not a Bigfoot. I'm a man.

419
00:17:25,369 --> 00:17:27,361
I'm just a...
I'm a good man, too.

420
00:17:27,438 --> 00:17:30,247
<i>BERNIE:</i>
<i>I'm telling you, they won't</i>
<i>be able to find your head.</i>

421
00:17:30,324 --> 00:17:33,084
Okay, America, that wasn't
very nice. I admit that.

422
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,545
<i>JORDAN:</i>
<i>Ogre: O-G-R-E. Ogre.</i>

423
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,673
Which one is worse, America,
ogre or Bigfoot?

424
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,351
America, I'm telling you,
this is some bull.

425
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:45,221
Trying to do the right thing
doesn't make me a Bigfoot.

426
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:47,056
I'm just trying
to help the boy out,

427
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,517
keep him from making
a damn fool of himself.

428
00:17:49,593 --> 00:17:53,062
Okay, but, hey, if he wants
to go out there

429
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,356
and stink it up, then fine.

430
00:17:55,432 --> 00:17:57,608
I'll be out there
front and center.

431
00:17:57,685 --> 00:18:00,828
And finally, the laughing
kookaburra from Australia.

432
00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:02,988
(cawing)

433
00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:04,865
(trilling)

434
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,418
(applause)
Whoo!

435
00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:11,956
Thank you, Michelle.

436
00:18:12,032 --> 00:18:15,084
Bird calls always remind me
of spring.

437
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,544
(complete silence)

438
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:19,922
Okay. Our next act has written
his own introduction.

439
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,383
"If you like the rubber vomit

440
00:18:22,459 --> 00:18:24,093
placed outside
Sister Mary's

441
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,229
math class, then
you're going to love

442
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:28,848
the comic stylings of Jordan
'Pull My Finger' Tompkins!"

443
00:18:28,924 --> 00:18:30,057
I told you.
You didn't.

444
00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:31,684
Yeah, you know I did.

445
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,060
I don't understand that.

446
00:18:33,137 --> 00:18:34,854
Hey, how you all doing?

447
00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:37,648
Um... you know
what I don't get?

448
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:40,734
How come there's never any
gloves in the glove compartment?

449
00:18:40,811 --> 00:18:41,902
I don't get it.

450
00:18:41,979 --> 00:18:44,071
(Wanda laughing)

451
00:18:44,148 --> 00:18:45,906
Oh, thank you.
So kind...

452
00:18:45,983 --> 00:18:47,199
And what about

453
00:18:47,276 --> 00:18:48,676
tater tots-- I mean,

454
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,453
what part of the tater
are those things from, huh?

455
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,414
I don't get it.
That's funny.

456
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,708
What? This looks like
a young crowd, though.

457
00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:58,752
I've got X-Men underwear
older than some of you.

458
00:18:58,829 --> 00:19:00,921
(laughs):
You know...

459
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:01,922
Honey,
he's horrible.

460
00:19:01,999 --> 00:19:03,632
You're the one
told him to do it.

461
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:06,177
Well, what do I know?
You're the professional.

462
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,429
What is this,
an audience or a picture?

463
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:10,431
I can't handle it no more.
I can't handle this.

464
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:13,267
(chuckles)

465
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,560
WOMAN:
You're not funny.

466
00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:17,771
Uh... okay...
MAN: Bring back the bird calls!

467
00:19:17,848 --> 00:19:20,441
Uh... have you ever noticed
when you're driving on the fr...

468
00:19:20,517 --> 00:19:24,528
on the road, and you see
a white car with a blue door

469
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:26,581
or a red car with
a blue door...

470
00:19:26,657 --> 00:19:29,533
but you never see a blue car
with no door?

471
00:19:29,610 --> 00:19:32,295
(chuckles)
That's hilarious.

472
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,088
I don't get it!
BOY: You stink!

473
00:19:34,165 --> 00:19:35,298
Uh...
MAN: STOP!

474
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:37,458
Do you get it?
WOMAN: Sit down.

475
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:40,377
Uh... knock-knock.
Who's there?

476
00:19:40,454 --> 00:19:42,555
It's Bernie Mac
in the house.

477
00:19:42,632 --> 00:19:43,631
Hey, how you doing?

478
00:19:43,707 --> 00:19:45,424
(cheering)

479
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,092
Fathers, Sisters,
good evening.

480
00:19:47,169 --> 00:19:48,510
I tell you something
I don't get.

481
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:50,137
Look at that: you got
Sister Mary Elizabeth,

482
00:19:50,214 --> 00:19:51,180
Sister Mary Frances,

483
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,307
Sister Mary
Conners.

484
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:56,143
They got the same
name, they wear
the same clothes,

485
00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,895
and they're married
to the same man.

486
00:19:57,972 --> 00:20:00,731
I tell you something else
I don't get, Jordan: confession.

487
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:03,901
Why do you all confess your sins
to the meanest man in school,

488
00:20:03,978 --> 00:20:05,611
tell all your
business?

489
00:20:05,688 --> 00:20:07,696
I just don't get it!
(laughter)

490
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,282
I don't get it.
And you never will.

491
00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:12,284
Here's one confession for you,
Father Cronin--

492
00:20:12,361 --> 00:20:14,119
I parked in your space.

493
00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:16,330
(laughing)
I don't get it!

494
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:19,258
Exit stage left!

495
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,477
Hey, man, you handwriting
some new joke for your comedy,

496
00:20:29,553 --> 00:20:32,012
'cause if you're serious
about it, I can give
you some pointers.

497
00:20:32,089 --> 00:20:35,099
What?! No!
I sucked eggs out there...

498
00:20:35,175 --> 00:20:37,226
except for
the glove compartment joke.

499
00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:38,852
That was a little too smart
for the room.

500
00:20:38,929 --> 00:20:40,454
Okay.

501
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:42,856
Anyway, I'm going back
to studying for the regionals.

502
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,234
Comedy is hard.
It sure is.

503
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:46,944
But you make it look so easy.

504
00:20:47,021 --> 00:20:48,779
You make spelling
look easy.

505
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,999
Baby, everybody got
their own gift, Jordan,
you understand?

506
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:55,536
Yeah. The team kicked
Saint Angelo's butt.

507
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:59,164
Sanjay was on fire...
but he did get lucky.

508
00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:01,008
He got the word "tandoori."

509
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:02,668
Sanjay...

510
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,378
Anyway, if you're
not busy tomorrow,

511
00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,671
maybe you can
come down and...

512
00:21:05,748 --> 00:21:07,756
I'll be down there
front and center, man.

513
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,976
Front and center.

514
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,095
Epiphany...

515
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:17,057
E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y...

516
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:18,767
epiphany.

517
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,236
Polysyllabic...

518
00:21:24,525 --> 00:21:26,200
MAN: Go ahead.
Well, this isn't exactly

519
00:21:26,277 --> 00:21:27,651
the movie I set out to make,

520
00:21:27,728 --> 00:21:31,238
but like the...
my teacher always says...

521
00:21:31,315 --> 00:21:32,915
I don't know what she says.

522
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,867
(<i> laughing)</i>

523
00:21:34,943 --> 00:21:36,327
MAN:
Still rolling.

524
00:21:36,403 --> 00:21:39,038
It's been so long.
Yeah, yeah.

525
00:21:39,114 --> 00:21:41,373
Jordan, Jordan...
Jordan...

526
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:43,000
You all right?

527
00:21:43,077 --> 00:21:44,793
I'm fine!

528
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:48,380
(laughing)

529
00:21:48,457 --> 00:21:50,382
I just slipped.

530
00:21:50,459 --> 00:21:53,260
I got one more
knee bend in me.

531
00:21:53,337 --> 00:21:55,771
Captioned by VISUAL DATA